False Ideals

I’m tired of false ideals. I’m tired of trying to live up to that perfect image of the good Christian boy that never makes any mistakes. Lets face it I screw up a hell of a lot too. I’ve come to realize that life is about a lot more than just being true to everyone else, it’s ultimately about being true to yourself and being true to God. I get so disappointed in the way things are right now. I’m disappointed with the way things happen around me whether it’s at school or throughout the entire world. I’m disappointed with myself and the way I am a lot better at looking like a saint then just admitting that I’m a sinner and I’m disappointed that even at my lowest and loneliest moments I find it hard to fully trust in God and trust that He is working for the best in my life…. Not exactly something the good Christian boy usually admits. I realized something yesterday though, it’s just a shame it took my step-cousin dying to realize it. I’m human. I’m going to screw up on a daily basis because I am human and ultimately I too will die. I can’t deny that death scares me but I do look forward to standing face to face with God… it’s just that when I get there do I want him to shake His head at me and say “but I had so much more planned for you?” No that’s not what I want and that’s not what I’ll have when I die I want the “well done my good and faithful servant” not a statement that makes me realize that there was so much more I could have done. But what difference can I possibly hope to make the world is so screwed up Matthew, my step-cousin, died because he was a manager at a Gamestop and someone wanted his car and money ,can I possibly change a world that screwed up. Not to mention at my last job our Brinks man got beat so bad he lost sight in one eye about 20 feet from where I was standing. How can I affect someone who will do something that senseless and selfish. I guess I just have to do that which I have been unable to do in moments of crisis, I have to let go. I can’t do anything to help those people I don’t even know them, but God can do it. Although it is far too easy to just say well God can do it when in fact he wants me to do it with Him. That whole I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me idea. Will death and senseless violence stop in my lifetime certainly not but Christ would have me work to show love and compassion that I may make some difference in the life of someone. Because violence is the product of hate and hate is the opposite of love so only through Christ’s love the perfect love can we hope to end violence. I just pray that I have the strength and the courage to go forth and do those tasks that have been given to me and if I don’t have them I can pray God will give them to me. For my body is weak but my spirit is willing so Lord I pray that you will take me and begin to mold me to your ideals to your ways and with your Love. Amen